Wave that terrible towel...literally

...Because, well, we were terrible today.

This weekend had me on wits end with Pittsburgh sports. My stomach hurts, my legs ache and I've got a headache from drowning my nerves....And my remote control is smashed... okay, that's a lie. But still. Within a full 24 hours, Pittsburgh has been a mosh pit, a roller coaster ride of screaming sports fans.

Speaking of drowning nerves, I am fairly certain Big Ben played either hungover or drunk today.

Maybe Bennie boy just wanted to have a tickle-fest with Robert Geathers instead of play football today?

I am also fairly certain, after Pansy Toes, aka Jeff Reed, twinkle toed his way to another missed tackle/touchdown saving hit, that there is no way he is even brave enough to go Mano-e-Mano vs. a paper towel dispenser, let alone hop into the fighting Irish stance ready to do the tango with a police officer. No way is it possible, sorry your honor, but clearly today's performance on the field this week and last Monday, is enough evidence to dismiss the case and rule my client not guilty.

Jeff: "Coach, what do I do now?"

Tomlin: "Quit being a pansy and go tackle him you idiot!"

Okay, one more assumption on why the Steelers were so awful...they just got confused. Yah, see they thought this was another WWE stint and this was just a wrestling match. Yah that's it. See:

1...2....3...PINNED

Ben: "Ow, man! Uncle, Uncle!!! I SAID UNCLE, THAT MEANS LET GOOOO!"

...Yah, I bet Daddy Rooney was proud.

It didn't help matters much when the King of Troy aggravated his knee again in the opening drive and did not return for the rest of the game.

Okay, so injuries and suckiness aside, well, no suckiness is still on the table because my next point I'd like to make is that Max Starks must've thought he was playing in the stadium next door at PNC with the suckiest of suck - Pittsburgh Pirates, because I am pretty sure I could have put my 85 year old, 5'2" (and shrinking) 100 lbs grandfather, who at one point in his life spent time in a full body cast during WWII after getting run over by a jeep...into the game today and he would have been more useful and had better blocks than Mr. Starks.

Hines, Mike, 'Ton? I don't know if I still should be pointing the dreaded finger at Ben for under throwing the deep balls and over throwing the short ones, or if I should be barking up another tree at the receivers for not being open and making plays? I think it was a little bit of both.

So, Santonio, keep that bicep in your sleeve and make some plays with it instead of daunting and flexing it for everyone after a 2 yard catch. Act like a Super Bowl MVP and start making noteworthy catches in important games.

Okay, now that I got that out of my system, onto the good stuff... HOW BOUT THEM PENS? Okay, it wasn't the most graceful win and they scraped by and chalked up a W by a minuscule four tenths of a second, but hey, a win is a win is a win....Good work boys, free smooches from Crosby.

And what about those Pitt Panthers? Can this city be any more awesome when it comes to sports? Congrats to Jonathan Baldwin for being named Big East player of the week.

And last but not least for the sake of entertainment, let's take a peak at Sammy Sosa's new look, shall we?

I am pretty sure it looks like he smacked himself in the face with a bag of flower and then stole his wife's lipstick for kicks. I can't decide if this is some weird tribute to Michael Jackson, or if he was just tired of looking black. Regardless, kids, don't do steroids.

Whole lotta Umness.

1. Okay I need to address this one at the top of the list. Has anybody seen Sammy Sosa lately? No? Don't worry, I am here to help....

Ummm...What the hell?

Is this supposed to be some sick tribute to Michael Jackson? Apparently he is going through a rejuvenating process for his skin? Who knows, what I do know is it looks weird as hell. Is he wearing lipstick?

Not to mention, his wifey looks nothing short of peeved at Snow White Sosa's new look.

2. My mum called a "snuggie" a "snugglie" today. I thought it was funny.

Speaking of snuggies, check out the baby snug.

Ummm...I'm pretty sure any mother that stuffs their infant into that thing is surely mixing up a large batch of future claustrophobia for their child. Plus a handful of stares while walking down the street with that adorable little face protruding from mommies breasts. Creepy. I think if Babyface ever makes a comeback this should be his album cover, though.

3. What is with all of these people falling on train tracks these days? And walking away unscathed to boot?

4. Mr. Ochocinco made it a point to cause a little stir on Sunday when he "pretended" to slip one of the referees a dollar bill while they were reviewing a call. He was laughing about the stunt, and the ref waved him off before Ocho-stinko could attempt to pass the bill over.

5. When it comes to things to talk about there is a lot up in the air. Literally. From Balloon Boy, to the dotto pilots who cruised on past their landing destination. And just yesterday a pilot was removed from his flight because he went to take the hot seat intoxicated. A flight attendant noticed he may not be capable to fly and reported it before the plane could take off. As a result the flight was canceled, he was given a toxicology test and failed. On top of being suspended, the incident took place in London, where the alcohol rate is .02, as opposed to .048, this dude may be facing jail time.

6. Okay, tell me there is not something Um, wrong about this. (and I apologize for addressing this so late that it's tacky) But, Yankees, champs, 27 flippen times? Come on! Seriously? I mean I know our football team is an NFL dynasty and we are the most successful team having six trophies in our display case, and we sound pretty greedy decorating our town with Stairway to Seven tees but TWENTY SEVEN baseball ships? And our Buccos have 17 straight losing seasons? There is something way wrong-oh with that picture.